When did it happen?

This week has caused me to reflect a lot about a few things. It was very unintentional how this all came about, but never theless it seemed to all tie together under the theme of – When did it happen?

After a few extraordinarily difficult weeks with our youngest I was feeling many things, but above all exhausted. Between screaming, hair pulling, and inconsolable cries I found myself frantically cleaning, in my attempt to bring some semblance of order to the house. However, in the process two very important people in my life got tossed aside. In the chaos of the new baby duties, I have never felt so distant from my toddlers, and I’m not sure, if it werent for my eldest I would have even noticed. After a full week of attitude and defiance from her, I found myself trying to figure out where in the world all this anger and aggression was coming from – and when I realised what was going on, it left me a little gutted.

Dozens of times last week, she had asked me to snuggle with her, to read her a book, to come see what she was doing, to practice her school work – and every time I had brushed her off. After all she’s my big girl; my strong, smart, independent girl. Surley she can see how busy I am right? My realization came durring a hilarious overtired conversation I was having with her when I said ” Olivia do you think I want to be cleaning instead of spending time with you? Of course not! But you guys just keep making messes and I can’t sit for two seconds without something falling apart somewhere!”… wow mama, hold on a minute. Did I just blame my 3 year old for not keeping the house clean and not understanding why I was stressed out? Yeah, I kind of did :/

So when did it happen? When did a clean counter and coffee table become more important that my time? When did the mess of building a fort become more important than how many couch cushions and blankets you could fit inside? When did painting and crafts become a cause for anxiety? Now obviously there are seasons in life where we are busier than others, and we definitely need to have clean clothes and dishes, I’m not saying that. What I am saying though, is I don’t want those things to become so important that when my kids look back on their childhood all they remember is that I was a good mommy who always kept a clean house and took care of them. I want them to look back and remember, mom use to build the best forts! We would spend hours in there reading and singing, and sometimes we would all sit at the table painting crazy pictures and making playdough monsters. The house may not always be tidy, but does it really have to be? 

This time we get with our little people is so fleeting, and precious – My resolution this year is to be more present and available to them, to look at life from their perspective and live accordinly. So this morning we built the fort. We read the books. I took Liv with me on a special date to the mall and let her pick out some things from my list. We had popcorn and donuts, and made special memories – and it’s been the best day in a long time 🙄

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